Futurama Cuts UK

Season 1

These are the cuts Channel 4 made to Futurama when it started screening it in 2000. I hadn’t watched the show before it was on C4, therefore didn’t notice any cuts. But on the Peel messageboard I discovered an old message thread with a bunch of very angry, humourless and helpful people, who listed some of the cuts.

I’ve pieced the Season 1 cuts together from that message threadThe Low-Bandwidth Futurama Site, and other sources that I can’t remember.
From September to December 2000, Channel 4 broadcast the first 13 episodes of Futurama: the pilot aired at 9.30pm on a Saturday, but after that episodes were on Thursday evenings at 5.30 or 6pm, and repeated on Sunday afternoons.

Something I don’t think people on that thread understood was that 9pm is the UK television watershed, although 8pm has become a minor watershed – say, "12"-rated films may be shown then. But C4 moving Futurama from 5.30 to 6pm did not make an episode any less likely to suffer cuts! Silly person. Anyway, here are definite and possible cuts to those first 13 eps, in order of broadcast:

KEY: PX = "Planet Express" (the main group of characters)

1: SPACE PILOT 3000

THE ONE WHERE Fry is frozen, and wakes 1,000 years later to find the world a very different place. Leela, working at the Cryonics Lab, tries to install his "delivery boy" job chip, but Fry escapes and meets Bender. They survive a suicide booth, before Leela finds them and realises she’s unhappy in her own job. The three of them find Professor Farnsworth, Fry’s only remaining descendent, who makes them his new crew. So Fry’s… a delivery boy? All right!
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DEFINITE CUTS
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This change was by Fox, not C4:
“The man who entered the pneumatic tube before Fry asked the tube to take him to 
'JFK Junior Airport'. After the death of John-John, the line was changed to 'Radio City Mutant Hall' for the subsequent airings.”
------------------
This one 
was by C4:
Being held in the Hall Of Criminals, Fry wants Bender to snap their cell's bars off. Bender remarks
 "You're full of crap, Fry" [Replaced with "You make a persuasive argument, Fry"] and walks away, but his head gets stuck to a wire hanging from the ceiling, and his circuits get scrambled.  He turns back around and says "You make a persuasive  argument, Fry," then tries for the prison bars.  As Fry cheers him on, Bender repeats that he can't do it, but finally, two of the bars snap off.
[Credit: SamuelXDiamond and The Low-Bandwidth Futurama Site]

2: THE SERIES HAS LANDED

THE ONE WHERE We’re introduced to Amy, Hermes and Zoidberg, and Leela is named captain of PX.
The company gets a package to deliver to the moon, which is a dream come true for Fry. However, he’s disappointed to find that it only takes 10 seconds to get there now, and that the only reason anyone now goes there is for the cheesy amusement park. But when he discovers they can drive around on the surface, he grabs the chance… and gets himself and Leela into a life-threatening situation! Uh-oh.
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DEFINITE CUTS – none. They left in "hookers" twice, but bear in mind that this was early in the series and C4 were unsure of the content.

3: I, ROOMMATE

THE ONE WHERE It becomes obvious that Fry’s living at PX HQ is getting in the way of business, so he moves in with Bender… only to discover that there’s only 3m³ of space there. They go househunting, and move into the apartment that belonged to a dead friend of the Professor’s. But Bender’s aerial starts causing problems – with their TV!
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DEFINITE CUTS
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Nothing seems to have been cut by C4; they even kept in:
BENDER (his thoughts, on a woman’s cellphone)  Wow, that lady's got a 
huge ass!
BENDER (talking, to the woman)                           Those could be anyone's thoughts, fatass.
I, Roommate was repeated on 11 September 2001 (see Season 2), with the opening gag message, "As seen on TV", removed for unknown reasons.

4: LOVE'S LABOURS LOST IN SPACE

THE ONE WHERE Leela, Bender and Fry travel to save animals on a planet that’s about to implode due to excessive mining. They board the ship of heroic space hero Zapp Brannigan to ask for help. But the buffoon takes them prisoner instead.
Talking of buffoons, C4 strangely cut out the word "aroused".
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DEFINITE CUTS    POSSIBLE CUTS
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FRY           I bet'cha Leela's holding out for a nice guy with one eye.
BENDER   That'll take forever. What she oughta do is find a nice guy with two eyes and poke one out.
FRY          Yeah, that'd be a time-saver.

(
Leela was sitting behind them the whole time)
LEELA       Guys, do you mind?
BENDER   Here you go, you can use this as an eyepoker. (hands Leela a fork)

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But later they kept 
in:
BENDER (hands Leela a fork)     Well, just in case you guys [Leela & Brannigan] hit it off, you'll want to take this with you.
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BRANNIGAN  …that's why, sooner or later, you'll come crawling back to the Zapper. (clucks his tongue)
LEELA           The only kind of crawling I'm doing to you is "away". (pause) "...from".
BRANNIGAN  Leela, you're obviously confused 
and aroused.
CREDIT: reedy2, and The Low-Bandwidth Futurama Site

5: FEAR OF A BOT PLANET

THE ONE WHERE Fry, Leela and Bender make a delivery to a planet full of human-hating robots, so they need to dress up (badly) as robots and go into the planet’s capital. But then Bender realises that he might like it there…

DEFINITE CUTS – none, it seems.

6: A FISHFUL OF DOLLARS

THE ONE WHERE Fry discovers he's a billionaire because his savings have been accruing interest for 1,000 years. Caught up in the excitement of his riches, he squanders his fortune to buy an unopened can of anchovies – extinct since the year 2200. What he doesn't realize is that Mom, the head of a mega-conglomerate, will do anything – even use Pamela Anderson's head in a jar – to get her hands on those anchovies. [Foxworld synopsis]

POSSIBLE CUTS
Thanks to Daniel for emailing me the last two of these three:
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After Mom has transformed from being a lovable old woman into the evil, foul-mouthed megalomaniac we know and love:
MOM    
Holy crap, that bastard's itchy! (snaps fingers) Walt, cream soda!
WALT  Right away, mother.
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MOM (to one of her sons)     (yells) Get his Pin number, you idiot! 
(calm) Now, I'm off to some charity BS for knocked-up teenage sluts.
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MOM (to Fry)     (yells) What?!  Listen, 
you little bastard, I control the robot oil business and I won't let you ruin me. How much do you want? (takes out her chequebook)
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These weren't definitely cut, but I really couldn’t see C4 keeping them in.

7: MY THREE SUNS

THE ONE WHERE The crew visits a planet inhabited by liquid aliens. Fry, after delivering a package under the scorching heat of the planet's three suns, finds a bottle of cool blue liquid to quench his thirst. But when that liquid turns out to be the civilization's ruler, Fry finds he has become the new leader. Initially drunk with power, he soon discovers his life is in danger and must turn to his friends to help him dry out. [Foxworld Synopsis]
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DEFINITE CUTS
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FRY        Hey, what'cha watching?
BENDER (apprehensive) Nothing!
LEELA     Is that a cooking show?
BENDER  No, of course not. It was ... uh ... 
porno! [Replaced by "uh" again] Yeah, that's it.
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On Little Neptune:

FRY          So, this is Little Neptune?
BENDER   Yep.  Every chef knows this is 
theplace to get exotic gourmet ingredients.
LEELA      (cynically) Among other things.

(what Leela is referring to is the vending machine in a nearby alleyway that says "Buy Refreshing Crack!"  At the machine, a junkie inserts his money and awaits his prize, but the portion of crack gets stuck on its way down to the bottom.  The junkie cries for the machine not to hold out on him like this, but it's no use, and he slinks down to the floor in anguish)

[Credit - Peel's 'Toaster' & the Low-Bandwidth Futurama Site]

8: A BIG PIECE OF GARBAGE

THE ONE WHERE The Professor is humiliated by his former Mars University student Professor Wörnstrom at the science symposium, but after building a ‘smelloscope’ (a year earlier) he discovers that a giant ball of trash, fired into space in the 21st century, is heading for New New York – and will destroy all in its path!
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DEFINITE CUTS
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The Old New York Garbage Crisis film has just finished. Or, not:
FRY                  (to Professor) Wow, you got that off the internet? 
In my day, the internet was only used to download pornography.
PROFESSOR    Actually, that's still true.


(Back in the film, one of the scientists who has just helped to launch the rocket turns to her partner and asks if he might help her with her sexual inhibitions.  He agrees to do it "with gusto", and more sensationalist music plays out the remainder of the movie ... as well as a view of the two scientists undressing themselves.  Farnsworth doesn't let us see the rest, because he turns the movie off and the lights on. Fry is disappointed by this.)
[From The Low-Bandwidth Futurama Site]
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Professor is planning to place an explosion on the garbage-ball:
WÖRNSTROM     You’ll never find a crew willing to take on a mission so suicidally dangerous!
(Professor looks hopefully towards Leela, Bender and Fry)
BENDER          …aw, crap.

9: HELL IS OTHER ROBOTS

THE ONE WHERE PX go to a Beastie Boys concert. Afterwards Bender’s friend Fender (an amplifier) offers him electricity – which is like a drug to robots, and sure enough Bender becomes an addict to this process, unfortunately known as "jacking on". After hitting rock bottom, he finds religion and becomes a reformed character. But he’s unbearable like that, and Fry and Leela can’t let it stay that way…

DEFINITE CUTS / POSSIBLE CUTS BY C4 (some of these aren’t completely accurate, but close enough)
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Channel 4 missed out the opening gag message "Condemned by the Space Pope", leaving no joke. Huh?
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Fender leads Bender through a few beaded doorways, into a dark, musky room inhabited by several (quite crummy-looking) robots. The robots are all plugged into a bubbling vase-like device in the center, periodically receiving jolts of electricity from it:
BENDER    Hey, what kind of party is this?  There's no booze and only one hooker.
FENDER    Don't be a drag, man.  We're jackin' on!

(Fender plugs himself in, 
and enjoys a jolt of pleasure)
FENDER    (offering a wire to Bender) Want a jolt?
BENDER    (sheepishly) Uh, hey, I'm no square, but isn't that counter-indicated by my operations manual?
(the other robots laugh)
FENDER    Come on, Bender, grab a jack!  I told these guys you were cool.
BENDER     Well ... if jacking on will make strangers think I'm cool ... I'll do it!
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After a lengthy session on electricity, Bender’s fallen on the pavement:
PREACHER   Wretched sinner unit!  The path to Robot Heaven lies here, in the Good Book 3.0.
(he holds up a floppy disk containing the Good Book)
BENDER        Hey, do I preach to you 
when you're lyin' stoned in the gutter? No, so beat it!
(Preacher shakes his head and leaves)

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As soon as Bender gets to work, he dashes into the bathroom for more electricity:
LEELA       If I didn't know better, I'd almost think he was abusing electricity.
FRY           Bender? No way. (the lights dim for a moment) I definitely would've noticed something.
(Leela knocks on the bathroom door)
LEELA       Bender, why are you spending so much time in the bathroom? 
Are you jacking on in there?
BENDER    No!  Don't come in!

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After a trip to Sicily 8, the Mob Planet:
FRY        I know Big Vinny 
said he was giving me the "kiss of death," but I still think he was gay.
LEELA    Did he use his tongue?
FRY        A little.

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After Bender’s taken the ship through an electrical storm to get another high, nearly destroying it:
LEELA          Bender, we didn't mind your drinking or your kleptomania 
or your pornography ring.
ZOIDBERG    In fact, that's why we loved you.
LEELA          But this electricity abuse crossed the line.  You almost killed us!
FRY              And you made me feel like a jerk for trusting you. 
It's just like when my friend Richie swore he wasn't taking drugs, then he sold me my mom's VCR ... and then later I found out he was taking drugs! You make me ashamed to be your friend.
BENDER      (sadly) Oh, you're right. I'm a lost cause.

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FRY              (gestures elsewhere) And there's Hookerbot 5000. She's got a heart of solid gold!
H’BOT 5000  (tempting) Hey, sailing unit!
BENDER       Stop tempting me!  For once in my life I have inner peace.
FRY              Pfft ... that's for losers.  C'mon, sin your heart out.

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In Robot Hell, the song begins:
BENDER      
Aw, crap ... singing! Mind if I smoke? (the Devil grabs Bender's cigar away, and rubs the flame out against Bender's chest. Singing begins)
--------------------------------------------
C4 also cut some of the song:
DEVIL     
Fencing diamonds, fixing cockfights, Publishing indecent magazines.
    You'll pay for every crime, Knee-deep in electric slime.
    You'll suffer 'till the end of time, Enduring tortures, most of which rhyme.
    Trapped forever here in Robot Hell!

[Credit: Peel’s Juliet & The Low-Bandwidth Futurama Site]

10: A FLIGHT TO REMEMBER

THE ONE WHERE For the company holiday, PX go on a cruise aboard the great spaceship Titanic, where Leela pretends to be engaged to Fry to avoid captain Zapp Brannigan’s attentions, while Amy also pretends to be Fry's girlfriend to stop her parents from pestering her and telling her to get married. With awkward results!
Meanwhile, Brannigan decides to liven the ship’s course up by steering through some comets, to give the ship some sort of gravity boost, or something.
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DEFINITE CUTS BY C4       DEFINITE CUTS BY SKY ONE
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PX are in the crowd, watching Brannigan launch the ship:
LEELA          Oh, God ... not Zapp Brannigan!
ZOIDBERG  
You know Zapp Brannigan?
LEELA          Let's just say we've "crossed paths."
BENDER      Was that before or after you slept with him?
BRANNIGAN (talking to crowd) She's a beautiful ship, all right.  Shapely.  Seductive.  I'm gonna fly her brains out. (applause)

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INEZ  (Amy’s mother) We met the nicest boy in the cabin next to ours.
LEO  (her father) He's not very ugly.
INEZ   You should marry him 
... or at least use him to conceive a grandchild for us.
LEO   There he is, at the buffet!
AMY   Uh ... he seems really nice, but ... well, I already have a boyfriend.
INEZ   Really?  Where is he?
LEO   And why isn't he here right now 
fathering our grandchild?
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While Leela is kissing Fry while Brannigan’s walking past:
BRANNIGAN    Leela, perhaps this is an awkward time, but if things don't work out with this pip-squeak here, I just want you to know I'll be there 
to score you on the rebound.
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Just after Fry and Leela almost kissed, but suddenly the ship was jolted:
LEELA     Oh, my God!  We're heading straight into a black hole!
               (bird's-eye view of the ship)
FRY       Talk about a mood-killer.
Sky One presumably cut this by accident, not because it's offensive, but because the original (US) version began the adverts at this point; Sky cut the ads and this line.
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[Thanks to various members of the Peel board, and as always The Low-Bandwidth Futurama Site]

11: MARS UNIVERSITY

THE ONE WHERE Fry returns to college to prove he can be just as good a dropout as he was in the 20th century. Professor Farnsworth surprises him with a dorm roommate, a super-intelligent monkey. Meanwhile Bender, a legend of the robot fraternity Epsilon Rho Rho - "ERR" - leads a revenge of the robot nerds. [Foxworld synopsis]

DEFINITE CUTS    POSSIBLE CUTS
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At the college party - Bender and his buddies are watching the party wind down from the side wall
, and Bender suggests they take a road trip to Tijuana to "get Fat-Bot some action".
FAT-BOT   It’s my first time, I'm really nervous.
(he devours a large portrait of the Dean that was hanging over the fireplace.)
Although they left another reference to Fat-Bot being "re-booted" in Tijuana at the end.
[courtesy of Slurm from Peel, and The Low-Bandwidth Futurama Site]


12: WHEN ALIENS ATTACK

THE ONE WHERE Fry caused an episode of Ally McBeal parody Single Female Lawyer to go off the air in 1999. Aliens invade Earth in the year 3000 and demand to see the rest of the show. But with no tapes remaining, it's up to PX to act it out as closely as Fry can remember it, and save the world!

DEFINITE CUTS   POSSIBLE CUTS
--------------------
President McNeal has just introduced Zap Brannigan, who'll head Earth's defence mission against the aliens, to the Congress building
(we see PX watching this on TV, but Fry still applauds Brannigan and Leela groans)
BENDER       Hey Leela, 
it's that idiotic windbag you slept with.
LEELA          The Earth is under attack. Can't we just forget about that?
BENDER       Evidently not...
[Thanks to Teral of Peelified Futurama]
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Bender’s patriotism unit kicks in:
BENDER          Sir! I volunteer for a suicide mission! (to himself)  Aw ... cut it out!
BRANNIGAN   You're a brave robot, son, but when I'm in command every mission's a suicide mission. Which reminds me ... (to Leela) Leela, perhaps before we head into battle you'd like to make love to me in case one of us doesn't come back.
LEELA             Maybe we should wait until afterwards in case neither of us comes back.
BRANNIGAN   Here's hoping.

[Credit: Smitty & and alt.tv.futurama]
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The Aliens are talking to Brannigan outside the White House:
ALIEN QUEEN            No! McNeal! The single female lawyer!
ALIEN KING (LEUR)   She wears mini-skirts 
and is promiscuous!
BRANNIGAN               Really...?
[Credit: 'Chump' from Peelified Futurama]
-------------------
[Credit on this line to Smitty, for noticing it, and alt.tv.futurama for the line]
Dr. Zoidberg is dressed in a blue suit at the prosecutors' table.  He says "gracias" and approaches the bench:
ZOIDBERG     Single Female Lawyer, where were you on the night of August 23?
LEELA            Sleeping with you.
ZOIDBERG    (menacingly)  Aha!
(Zoidberg whips out his claw and points it at Leela's face, but gets the tip caught on Leela's fake eyeball.  It comes off, still caught on his claw, and he sniffs it and eats it.)

LEELA           (nervous) Uh, get ... getting back to the matter ...  Uh, if it please the court ...
-----------------
After PX's Single Female Lawyer episode ends:
BENDER (singing theme tune)      # Single Female Lawyer, 
having loads of sex! #
No, not the S-word!

13: FRY AND THE SLURM FACTORY

THE ONE WHERE Fry and Bender find the golden bottle-cap inside a can of Slurm (it’s highly addictive™) and win PX a tour of their bottling plant and the chance to party with Slurms McKenzie, the drink’s mascot. But is Slurm all it seems? Ooh, let me answer that: no.
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DEFINITE CUTS
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Bender is sick:
AMY                Then take some echinacea, or St John’s Wort.
PROFESSOR  Or a big fat placebo!
 It’s all the same crap.
(Bender coughs)
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Bender and Fry have taken the Professor’s F-ray device:
FRY         Try it on me. (Bender shines it at his hip area) Ow!! My sperm.
BENDER   Wow...
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A man-bot in the form of a fem-bot (who, for the sake of argument, let’s call a tran-bot) walks past and starts talking to Bender:
TRAN-BOT   One more upgrade and I’ll be more lady than you can handle! Why you so stupid, Stupid?
BENDER      Hey, bite my shiny metal ass!
TRAN-BOT   You couldn’t afford it, honey! (clicks fingers and walks away)
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(Fry gets a can of Slurm from the fridge and drinks it. He starts to hold his throat, and there’s a shot of Professor, Bender and Leela with the back of Fry choking in the background)
LEELA     Fry, are you all right?
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After the Grunka-Lunkas’ song:
GLURMO (the Willy Wonka-ish one)
    Hey! I don’t pay you to sing! You just used up today’s bathroom break!
GRUNKA-LUNKA   Hardass.
GLURMO               I heard that!
(The Grunka-Lunka whimpers and walks away, the boat goes into a tunnel, then we see the boat travelling along the river again)
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