Season 2
In 2001, Channel 4's censorship really went into overdrive – with Futurama becoming a more teenage-/adult-oriented series, with moderate language and sexual references, among other things, which the general population would apparently be unable to handle.
So C4 started to take a frankly puritan and paranoid approach to any "objectionable material" in Futurama, which usually resulted in scenes, or even episodes, being totally different when seen on C4. And, most importantly, they were less funny. C4 also delayed broadcasting the last four episodes, not getting round to it for 6 months.
KEY: PX = Planet Express (main Futurama characters)
THE ONE WHERE Bender flushes Nibbler down the toilet because he's jealous of his popularity with the others, so the Professor fits an electronic device to Bender that makes him feel complete empathy for Leela, all the time. Then PX go underground to the New York sewers to search for Nibbler, and meet mutants.
DEFINITE CUTS
---------------------------------
Bender’s angry at Nibbler:
BENDER I’ll pet him – I’ll pet him with both hands! (Nibbler jumps, and his fangs grab onto Bender’s rear end) Ow, my ass! Get off! Get off! (Nibbler lets go)
---------------------------------
LEELA Poor baby, chipped a fang. (kisses and pets Nibbler as she walks away)
BENDER Hey, I got a busted ass here, I don’t see anyone kissing it!
ZOIDBERG All right, I’m coming!
---------------------------------
At the vet’s:
BENDER What’s that you say there Doctor? You’re going to have to put him [Nibbler] down?
VET (confused) No. What? But I…
BENDER Terrible shame, that. Shall I do the honours?
(Bender picks up a ‘goose laxative’ bottle and smashes it – Leela breaks his arm off and forces him to drop the smashed bottle)
BENDER You about done?
LEELA Next time, I’m keeping it! (tosses arm back to Bender)
---------------------------------
On Nibbler’s birthday, Bender has baked a cake:
BENDER There, this'll teach those filthy bastards who's lovable. Now all I have to do is spell-check it ...
[Credit to Peel's Teral]
---------------------------------
Later, PX are talking about the sewer mutants, who are dismissed as an urban legend:
PROFESSOR Oh, don’t be so sure. Many scientists believe humans really could mutate down there, due to exposure to toxic waste, radioactive runoff and good old American faeces!
FRY (hand on heart) God bless America!
---------------------------------
In the mutants’ town:
3-ARMED MUTANT Over here is our aquarium… this is our library…
BENDER (looking at books) Nothing but crumpled porno and Ayn Rand.
[She's a Russian-American author]
---------------------------------
Talking about El Chupanibré:
DUANE (MUTANT) If the legend is true, our only hope is to offer him a snackrifice!
3-ARMED Yes. An unspoiled virgin!
LEELA I volunteer!
WOMAN MUTANT Nice try Leela, but we’ve all seen Zap Brannigan’s web page!
BENDER (laughs, then the empathy chip kicks in and makes him sad like Leela) Aw, I made myself feel bad.
3-ARMED She’ll have to do. Chain her to the post! (Leela is chained to the post) And rip her shirt a little. (Duane rips her shirt a little) Behold! When El Chupanibré comes for the “virgin”, he will be snared by this rope trap.
---------------------------------
When Nibbler is in danger from El Chupanibré:
BENDER Listen Leela, I’m an expert at not caring. The secret is to stop giving a rat’s ass about anyone else, and start thinking of the things that you want, that you deserve, that the world owes you!
---------------------------------
While Bender is fighting El Chupanibré:
LEELA You know what else I could use? A weekend at one of those fancy spas. And a Toblerone!
Taken out because it’s advertising, I presume, despite the fact that they say brand names all the time! Plus, in maths I was always taught that a triangular prism is "Toblerone-shaped", which is "advertising" too.
THE ONE WHERE Space captain Zapp Brannigan (who has had a "previous encounter" with Leela we're constantly reminded of) accidentally destroys the headquarters of the Democratic Order Of Nations (Doop – like the United Nations in our time). Brannigan gets fired along with his assistant Kiff. They find a job with PX, and soon Zapp, Fry and Bender mutiny against Leela, making Brannigan the new captain
DEFINITE CUTS
This episode was cut pretty heavily, and what remained sometimes made no sense whatsoever.
----------------------------
At Doop HQ, where PX are delivering the ceremonial scissors:
BRANNIGAN Why, Leela! I do believe we’ve… “met”?
BENDER (to Leela) He means you guys did it.
----------------------------
In the courtroom, Brannigan cross-examines Leela:
BRANNIGAN We’ve met before, have we not?
LEELA Yes.
BRANNIGAN And, on that occasion, did you not have sex with someone? May I remind you, you are under oath.
LEELA (groans) Yes.
BRANNIGAN Please point out the person in the courtroom you had sex with.
(Leela points to Brannigan)
FRY (in the audience) Whoooo!
BRANNIGAN And his name is?
LEELA (groans) Zapp Brannigan.
BRANNIGAN The very same Zapp Brannigan who did not blow up Doop headquarters! I rest my case.
----------------------------
In the scene where Brannigan and Kiff start living as "civilians", walking the streets:
(Shot of Brannigan smoking a cigar and wearing a cowboy hat. Then, he’s outside a building with the sign ‘Sex’ on the front. The Crazy Old Lady’s limousine pulls up – Brannigan winks at her but she points at Kiff, who is ordered to get into the back seat of the limo, and it drives away. Oh dear.)
----------------------------
Fry and Bender have a hose fight while cleaning the ship:
LEELA (to Fry and Bender) All right, this is the third hose fight I’ve broken up today, and the second with actual hoses. Now move your lazy asses and start scrubbing the ship like I ordered you to!
----------------------------
Brannigan and Kiff have come to PX to beg Leela for a job:
BRANNIGAN You’re the only woman who ever loved me.
LEELA I never loved you.
BRANNIGAN I mean physically!
LEELA What do you want?
BRANNIGAN Just let me work for a little food. I could paint a fence, or service you sexually, or mop the floors?
LEELA You don’t know how to do any of those things!
BRANNIGAN Well, Kiff might.
----------------------------
Bender, Fry and new crew member Brannigan are talking about Leela as captain:
BRANNIGAN … I see. Does she by any chance give the crew members spankings?
FRY No, she just makes us do work and stuff.
BRANNIGAN Good, good. But should she ever institute some sort of bare-bottomed spanking policy, let me go in your place. I won’t have my comrades harmed.
BENDER Hey, this guy’s all right!
THE ONE WHERE Bender sells his titanium-rich body when the value of the metal rises astronomically. Meanwhile, former president Richard Nixon stands for election against two clones.
DEFINITE CUTS BY CHANNEL 4 DEFINITE CUTS BY SKY ONE
--------------------
PX have gone to get registered to vote in the upcoming election, and are seeing the weird, wonderful and controversial parties that exist:
(Amy goes to the party ‘Dudes for the Legalisation of Hemp’, whose party representative is a stoned guy)
AMY So, is it true that you can make all sorts of shirts and ropes out of hemp?
PARTY REP Dave’s not here, man…
AMY I also heard hemp makes great shampoo?
PARTY REP It does?! No way! I gotta check out this brochure… (gets a burger out from under the desk and starts eating it)
--------------------
Fry and Leela go to the Voter Apathy Party:
FRY Now, here’s a party I can get excited about! Sign me up!
PARTY REP (a bored guy) Sorry, not with that attitude.
FRY (turns away) Okay then, screw it.
PARTY REP (gets up, excited) Welcome aboard, brother!
--------------------
Bender has just sold his body:
FRY How are you going to live without a body?
BENDER (scoffs) Bodies are for hookers and fat people.
Except that C4 censored it badly, and it sounded more like "hat people", who (if they existed) surely would only need a head?
-----------------
At the Head Museum:
(Leela carries Bender’s head along a corridor, past "Movie stars", "B-movie stars", "porn stars" and "TV stars", who have a really battered sign above them)
BENDER Now, which group of heads is good enough for me to hang out with? Fry? Fry? (Fry has gone to meet supermodels' heads)
-----------------
At the presidents’ heads section:
BENDER … this place has class!
PRES. CLINTON (to Leela) Hey, sugar-cookie! You know, legally, nothing I can do counts as sex anymore!
PRES. FORD I apologise for his rudeness, ma’am, he gets this way around meaty-looking women.
------------------
BENDER (finishing a joke to George Washington)
… so then the hooker-bot says “that’s not my extension slot”, and my friend says, “that’s not my gold-plated 25-ping connector!” (both laugh)
WASHINGTON Ah, Bender, thou robots really cracketh me up.
------------------
FRY I spent most of my teen years loving my body. Of course, most of it was tough love, but-
LEELA (elbows him in the stomach so he stops talking) He [Nixon] opened up relations with China. He doesn’t want to hear about your ding-dong!
-----------------
Nixon has just announced his candidacy for the election – with Bender’s body:
BENDER That double-crossing bastard! How dare he run off with Richard Nixon!
Sky cut the whole line, but C4 only omitted the word "bastard".
-----------------
Fry, Leela and Bender have burst into Nixon’s dressing room backstage at the debate to ask if they can have the body:
NIXON Seriously though, I’m never giving back this body. Now, beat it, before I get Cambodian on your asses!
------------------
In Nixon’s room at the Watergate, during his incriminating rant:
NIXON And once I’m swept into office, I’ll sell our children’s organs to zoos for meat, and go into people’s houses and wreck up the place! Mwahaha!!
THE ONE WHERE It's Christmas in the year 3000. The festival is now known as "Ecks-mas", and an actual (robot) Santa Claus comes to town every Xmas Eve. But unfortunately his standards were set too high, and now he thinks everyone's been bad...
DEFINITE CUTS POSSIBLE CUTS [probably not all of them listed below]
During PX's ski trip:
SKI INSTRUCTOR (to Bender) Excuse me, sir, you’re snowboarding off the trail
BENDER Lick my frozen metal ass! Ha ha ha, ha ha ha… (goes off the edge of the cliff)
[Credit: Peel's Teral]
By the same token, C4 would also have removed Santa's "Ho ho ho! It's time to get jolly on your naughty asses!"
During the characters' song:
THE ONE WHERE Dr Zoidberg goes beserk while PX are at the gym – it's the mating season on his home planet. So PX accompany Zoidberg to his homeland, but he fails to attract women. Can Fry help him? No, I don't think so either.
DEFINITE CUTS BY C4 DEFINITE CUTS BY SKY ONE
A lot got censored here by both channels - for some reason, "jelly" is C4's new bad word!
------------------------------------------
Leela is complaining that Fry and Bender are lazy and sit on the couch all day:
LEELA Look at you guys! No offence Fry, but you’ve become a fat sack of crap! [sound muted]
FRY Sack?
------------------------------------------
Prof Farnsworth explains why Zoidberg went mad at the gym:
PROFESSOR It must be mating season for Zoidberg's people. A chaotic time when his behavior is dictated by the tiny brain in his rump.
FRY Eyuccch!
PROFESSOR We, by which I mean you, will have to rush him to his ancient homeworld, which will shortly erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.
FRY Oh baby, I'm there!
LEELA Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?
FRY Nope. But that's not the word I'm interested in. No need to pack pants, people!
[Lines from The Low-Bandwidth Futurama site]
------------------------------------------
On Zoidberg’s home planet he explains about the frenzy:
FRY Who’s the lucky lobesterina?
ZOIDBERG I don’t know yet, but I shall attract one this afternoon with an erotic display!
LEELA It’s amazing that your people can fall in love so fast.
ZOIGBERG Love? That word is unknown here. I’m simply looking for a female swollen with eggs to accept my genetic material.
FRY You and me both, brother! (Leela and Bender make a ‘groan’ face)
ZOIDBERG Ah! My old scuttling ground!
------------------------------------------
At the beach, where Zoidberg is about to perform his erotic display:
FRY Hey, I wonder if these guys are here to watch the erotic display too!
(he points to five lobster voyeurs with telescopes and binoculars, wearing anoraks and dark glasses/hats to protect their identities)
------------------------------------------
Here, Sky cut out a line but C4 didn’t, then C4 cut out a line but Sky didn’t!
Edna, who secretly loves Fry, has invited him round to ‘discuss Zoidberg’:
EDNA Hello, Fry! Can I interest you in some surf and turf? [a kind of food, see below]
FRY No thanks, I just came to tell you that Zoidberg’s really great. He’s got male jelly coming out the wazoo.
EDNA Well, that is where it comes out, but jelly isn’t everything… I know Zoidberg’s magical words were really yours!
SURF AND TURF: Aslate of Peelified Futurama says:
"Surf and turf is Fish and Meat (Surf=Fish, Turf=Beef, gettit?). Although it's used to mean something else (more 'sensual') in the episode."
------------------------------------------
Same scene – Zoidberg has discovered Edna trying to seduce Fry.
Sky censored this, but C4 didn’t.
ZOIDBERG (to Fry) I challenge you to Claw-Claw! (‘doom’ music)
FRY English, please?
ZOIDBERG A fight to the death! (more ‘doom’ music)
EDNA And if you survive, we’ll make sweet love! (‘mega-doom’ music)
FRY Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!
------------------------------------------
At the Claw-Claw showdown, Leela asks the king of the planet to stop the fight:
KING Listen lady, as you can plainly see I’m a highly desirable male, groaning with jelly, and I embrace a life of celibacy…
--------------------------------------------------
Some violence was censored by C4:
(A couple of seconds of the fight, when Fry has the nutcracker around Zoidberg’s neck from behind, are cut)
BENDER Psst, Fry, take a dive!
(Close-up of Zoidberg sweating and choking – the crowd chants "Claw-Clacch". Or is it "Claw-Plach"?)
--------------------------------------------------
Sky and C4 censored this different ways, with Sky cutting a couple of seconds' worth of footage:
(Fry has just made a rousing speech to the crustacean people, about how he and Zoidberg will always remain friends – but Zoidberg cuts Fry’s arm off:)
SKY
FRY I’ll kill you! You bastard!
(hits Zoidberg with arm a couple of times, before a close-up of him hitting Zoidberg)
C4
FRY I’ll kill you! You bastard! [sound muted instead]
(hits Zoidberg with arm a couple of times, before a close-up of him hitting Zoidberg)
--------------------------------------------------
When the mating frenzy happens, all the crustacean couples jump into the water. Water starts bubbling and a green goo – or is it jelly? – rises to the surface:
FRY / LEELA / BENDER Eew! / Eww! / My god!
ZOIDBERG The frenzy!
--------------------------------------------------
As PX walk away through hoards of seagulls:
(Zoidberg injects the injured Fry with morphine – a close-up shows that it is St Jonah’s Morphine For Children)
FRY Ow! (suddenly looks happy and pain-free)
ZOIDBERG The frenzy is over. How will I ever get rid of my male jelly now?
FRY (handing him his severed arm) I'll lend you this. [Line cut by C4 too]
[Credit to Peel's Kryten for spotting that one.]
THE ONE WHERE Fry and Amy have a romantic encounter on Mercury. But, just as Fry was planning to break up with Amy, their car crashes and Fry has to have emergency surgery – Dr Zoidberg attaches his head to Amy's body!
Meanwhile, with Valentine's Day is coming up, Bender starts his own "discrete and discreet" dating service.
DEFINITE CUTS
---------
After the advert for Malfunctionin’ Eddie’s car store:
AMY Hey! Let’s go car shopping. My parents promised if I got all Bs they’d buy me a bar. And I got all Cs!
BENDER Mind if I tag along? I need to bring my ass in for re-servicing. (holds up ‘Recall Notice’) The recall notice says it could burst into flame in a low-speed collision.
FRY No wonder you’ve been staying at the back of conga lines lately.
LEELA I’ll get my coat. Coming, Bender? (taps his behind with the newspaper – his rear end lets off a short burst of fire and everyone gasps)
---------
After Bender has seen his new ‘shock-absorbing bumpers’ and demanded that they be removed:
MECHANIC All right. But sooner or later that ass is gonna blow. And when it does, I just pray you’re not mooning someone you care about!
---------
At Malfunctionin' Eddie's car store, Fry is approached by a salesman:
SALESMAN No, the ThunderCougarFalconBird. Nothing makes you feel more like a man than a ThunderCougarFalconBird. So how much were you thinking of spending on this ThunderCougarFalconBird?
FRY Sorry, I'm not here to buy.
SALESMAN I understand, and it's wonderful that you don't care whether anyone questions your sexual orientation.
FRY I care! I care plenty! I just don't know how to make them stop!
SALESMAN One word: ThunderCougarFalconBird.
---------
Fry and Leela are talking about how it's Valentine's Day soon:
FRY Valentine's Day's coming? Oh, crap! I forgot to get a girlfriend again!
---------
Fry and Amy tell the others about their "encounter":
AMY Well, we broke down on Mercury, and one thing led to another...
FRY And it led there again when we got home! (they both laugh, Leela looks annoyed)
BENDER Congratulations, Fry…
---------
Later on, Bender's plotting to exploit lonely people on Valentine's Day:
BENDER I have a plan so deviously clever that I-
(Scene cuts to a courtroom - Bender is stopped in mid-sentence by a judge's hammer slamming down. Bender, Leela and two hooker-bots face the judge)
JUDGE $500 and time served!
BENDER Stupid anti-pimping laws! (to Leela) Well, pay the man! (he struts away)
HOOKER-BOT 1 Bender honey, we love you!
BENDER Shut up baby, I know it.
(Cut to the outside of PX headquarters – inside Bender is sticking up his 'dating service' sign on a door)
BENDER Ah, computer dating. It’s like pimping, but you rarely have to use the phrase "upside your head".
LEELA Bender, this is stupid. Why would anyone come to you for romantic help?
BENDER Hey, don’t make me go upside your head!
---------
In the next scene: Amy and Fry pretend they are making out in the cupboard to avoid work, when Hermes tries to open the cupboard:
ZOIDBERG Stop! If you interrupt the mating dance, the male will become enraged and maul us with his fearsome gonad!
---------
Fry’s complaining about being "smothered" by Amy:
FRY I’m doing my job, there’s Amy. I spend a few hours selecting a candy from the machine, there’s Amy. I wake up the morning after sleeping with Amy, there’s Amy!
---------
At dinner, Bender has matched Leela with bus driver Al, who is shocked at Leela's appearance:
AL Yeesh! (sarcastic) Nice eyeball, Eyeball.
LEELA (in response) Nice ass, Ass.
BENDER Ooh, sparks. (to Al) Buy her a rose and I guarantee she’ll put out.
AL (sits down) Ah, I’ll take my chances.
---------
AL Well anyways Leela, I’d love to take a whack at ya, but that 10:15 to Nutley ain’t going nowheres without yours truly behind the wheel.
---------
Right at the end – Bender's ass starts to explode:
BENDER Oh no! My ass! My beautiful aaassss! (mostly drowned out by exploding noises)
THE ONE WHERE Leela, Fry and Bender commandeer a car at the 20th century museum, and accidentally run over a robot named Flexo, an almost-exact replica of Bender. Flexo joins PX, but after a while Fry starts to mistrust Flexo, especially when a very valuable delivery goes missing...
DEFINITE CUTS
-------------------------
Fry, Leela and Bender are in Past-o-rama, a park that is meant to be an exact replica of 20th-century New York:
ROBBER Gimme your wallet, or I’ll cut you!
FRY (thinks it's a joke) Hahaha! Hey Leela, get a picture of me being ‘mugged’!
--------------------------
LEELA Do you know what it [the parking sign] means?
FRY Yeah, I asked a cop once. It means “up yours, kid”.
--------------------------
Fry, Leela and Bender watch a hologram about 20th-century traffic jams:
SOUND EFFECTS (shouting motorists)
Move it, crap-for-brains! / Get off, bastard-man!
[Credit: Teral of Peel]
---------------------------
Fry has just taken the car out of the museum when he hits something:
BENDER Ohh, I think I got whiplash.
LEELA You can’t have whiplash, you don’t have a neck.
BENDER I meant ass whiplash!
---------------------------
Flexo (whom they hit in the car) asks Fry to give him a backrub to make up for it:
FLEXO That’s it, a little lower though
FRY Er, I can’t get any lower.
FLEXO I’ll say – you’re rubbing my ass! (he and Bender laugh and high-three, rather than high-five)
---------------------------
At the robot strip-club – a large robot goes onto the stage:
BENDER Hubba hubba, she is built! In Mexico, I believe.
FLEXO And that ain’t silicon – it’s tungsten, and plenty of it!
FRY (trying to fit in) Er, yeah, look at that exhaust fan.
BENDER / FLEXO Urgh! Argh!
BENDER Pervert.
FLEXO (to robot dancer) Yoohoo! (inserts money)
DANCER Thanks, moderate spender. Please select erotic transaction.
FLEXO Yeah, how about a lap dance for my pal [Fry] here?
(Dancer moves towards Fry)
FRY No, no, that’s alright, really, I-
(Dancer starts vibrating, crushing his head)
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
And that’s why he’s wearing bandages in the next scene.
----------------------------
FRY (talking about how much he dislikes Flexo)
He drinks, and smokes, and posts naked pictures of me on the internet!
----------------------------
Later, when PX are all searching for Flexo on the ship when the tiara goes missing:
(Fry is searching for him in Leela’s underwear drawer)
FRY Aha! (opens drawer) Er, searching, hmm… (fishes around in the drawer, then the door opens)
Yes, C4 once again protected us from the almost-pornographic images of a person putting their hands into an underwear drawer! (But they reinstated it in 2003)
----------------------------
At the end – Flexo has been arrested, and neither Bender nor Leela got their hands on the tiara:
FRY Well, you guys might both be losers, but I just made out with that radiator woman from the radiator planet!
LEELA …Fry, that’s a radiator.
FRY Oh. Ahem… Is there a burn ward within 10 feet of here?
THE ONE WHERE Bender appears to have beaten-up the robot wrestling champion in a cinema. He becomes a robot wrestler and, trained by Leela, is an instant success. But when he abandons her and things turn sour, Bender has to change his in-ring image and become the laughing-stock of robot fighting.
DEFINITE CUTS
---------------------------
Bender makes the mistake of enraging the champion robot fighter, The Masked Unit:
THE MASKED UNIT I’m gonna open a pile of whoop-ass on you!
---------------------------
Later, after Bender has experienced success in the Robot Fighting League, he visits the owner and top fighters:
BENDER Howdy chief. For my next bout, what do you say I fight these two bimbos in some mud?
OWNER Actually, we’ve decided to go in a different direction.
BENDER What if I told you we wouldn’t be fighting in the traditional sense?
OWNER Bender, your popularity is slipping…
--------------------------
MILLIONAIREBOT [As the Gender Bender,] You’ll be the most unpopular robot fighter since Sergeant Faeces-Processor! (laughs)
BENDER Oh yeah?
-------------------------
Robot Fighting League TV advert:
NARRATOR You loved him as Bender the Offender. Now prepare to hate him as he threatens your sexuality in his new persona, the Gender Bender!
---------------------------
During Bender’s championship bout, Leela and Fnogg (her sexist former teacher) are also fighting under the ring:
FNOGG You were an excellent student – too bad I was a lousy teacher!
(fights back – most of the punches and kicks by Fnogg are shown, but the last couple of punches, and Leela falling backwards, were cut out by C4) – because they don’t want to show violence by men towards women. That’s all very well, but why did they show the start of the fighting?
RED = DEFINITE CUTS BY CHANNEL 4
GREEN = WORDS ON SCREEN BLANKED OUT
-----------------------------------------
PX (Fry, Leela, Hermes, Bender, Amy and Zoidberg) are flying over the internet city:
FRY It‘s immense!
LEELA It’s got every piece of information anyone could ever want.
(They fly past virtual buildings with the words ‘Sex’, ‘XXX’, ‘Porno’ and ‘Virtual Massage’, among others, on them)
FRY So I see!
(Bender, Fry and Hermes fly off) Woohoo! / Yeah! / Oo-yah!
ZOIDBERG What? What’s going on here? (sees a sign for ‘Sardine-on-mackerel action') Wwoowww! (he flies down too)
(Three sailors are among the many people in the Internet city’s porno section – signs include ‘Blurry photos of Sasquatch makin’ out’, ‘Four prostitutes playing bridge’, ‘Asexual reproduction!!!’ and ‘Galaxy of Love’. PX are walking through, and they see a door with the words "Amy Wong naked" on it)
AMY (looks inside, angrily) Hey! That’s me!
BENDER No it isn’t, I just took some pictures of your face and stuck them on someone else’s body.
LEELA (looks inside) Hey!!
(PX join the queue to get into ‘Adult chatrooms / XXX / over 18 only')
BOUNCER Are you over 18?
BOY IN LARGE SUIT Yes!
SMALLER BOY IN LARGE SUIT Yes!
BABY IN LARGE SUIT (spits out his dummy and laughs)
(Inside, Bender, Fry, Leela and Amy walk down a corridor with many doors in various languages)
BENDER I’m telling you, Fry, they’ve got a chatroom for everybody… and here it is! (he points to ‘Filthy Filthy Chatroom’, and they walk in)
AMY Eww! That is so gross.
LEELA Yeah. I’ll stick with this one, thank you!
AMY Yeah! (they walk into the merely ‘Filthy Chat Room’)
In an unusual bit of cutting, the words ‘Filthy Filthy’ on the first door were blanked out (it didn't look suspicious unless you knew the truth), just leaving the word ‘Chatroom'.
(Wide shot of the chatroom, which is literally a room full of people)
BENDER (laughs mischievously. Brings down a drop-down list – he scrolls past ‘New’, ‘Open’ and ‘Close’ to pick ‘Disguises' – and, out of 'Sexy Nurse' and 'Napoleon', he chooses 'Sexy Nurse', changing into a female nurse.)
NURSE/BENDER (taps man on shoulder) Hi, I’m a naughty nurse, and I really need someone to talk to. $9.95 a minute!
MAN Oh! You’re a dollar naughtier than most. (hands over money)
NURSE/BENDER (silence) … so how ‘bout them Knicks?
[they’re a basketball team in case you didn't know]
(Amy is at the bar, and looks over to a man whose head changes into a :), then a ;). Amy groans.)
-----------------------------------------
Leela, Fry and Bender are in the PX ship, watching Alkazar’s video message to Leela:
ALKAZAR Fortunately I was able to write down your screen name before I was dispatched by that oafish moron [Fry].
FRY (smugly) Kicked your ass…
ALKAZAR Leela, we have much to discuss…
-------------------------------
Later, when Alkazar is ordering Leela about in his castle:
ALKAZAR So get to work on these dishes. And then organise my collection of naked celebrity photos by name and what you can see.
-------------------------------
Alkazar, Ratman and his girlfriend and Pig are sitting down:
LEELA Hey! Where’d you get this couch, and that TV set, and all this stuff?
ALKAZAR They were giving it away on the street corner – just like you, Leela!
(Pig / Ratman / Ratman’s girlfriend) Whooo! Woof woof woof!
LEELA Too bad they weren’t giving away the three things you actually need…
This bit looked really bad, with Leela jumping to a different place in the space of one frame.
-------------------------------
Seconds later:
LEELA (talking about Fry, who’s stuck in the dungeon)
Come on Al, can’t you let the little guy out?
ALKAZAR Jeez, Leela, twice in one day?! I’m not Superman!
(Pig / Ratman / Ratman’s girlfriend go wild and whoop even louder)
-------------------------------
At dinner:
ALKAZAR Yo Leela, what gives? Pig says your slop tastes like crap!
PIG (eating slop out of a trough) Yeah! Like crap! (yet he continues to eat it)
--------------------------------
ALKAZAR Not long ago, I spent my lonely nights renting slasher flicks with Ratman and his girlfriend…
Kids don't even know what they are! Why censor it?
--------------------------------
At the end, Alkazar has just been found out by all five of his wives, and has to explain:
ALKAZAR I gave you all what you wanted, and of course I made a few bucks letting Pig watch through the two-way mirror.
--------------------------------
LEELA All right, Alkazar – I just have one last question for you.
ALKAZAR What’s that?
LEELA If you could change form, why didn’t you change it in the one place that counts?
(Wide shot of everyone whooping and cheering: Pig / Ratman / Ratman’s girlfriend, PX and the four other wives. The Professor is still whooping after everyone stops. Not whooping – the robot who conducted the marriage, Nibbler and Alkazar)
THE ONE WHERE Hermes fails to gain promotion, and fails to commit suicide. He leaves, and is replaced by the strict, humourless Morgan as PX's accountant. She makes changes to everything while he's away, but turns out to hate her job and loves Fry because he's such a slob. Weird. Then she goes too far and sends Bender's brain to Headquarters, leaving him far too quiet and helpful for everyone's liking.
Having censored "dirty" and "filthy" (why??) in 2001, C4 showed this uncut in March 2003.
DEFINITE CUTS
-------------------------
During the poker game:
BENDER (looking at the other players’ cards through his X-ray specs)
Nothing... nothing... crap, crap, garbage!
"Crap, crap" was overdubbed with "Nothing, nothing" (repeated).
-------------------------
Some pretty strange cuts when Morgan locks Fry in the locker room with her:
MORGAN Admit it, Fry, you’re a slob! (kisses him – his eyes widen in surprise) A dirty, filthy slob! Dirty boy! Dirty dirty dirty!
FRY (gasps) What the hell’s going on? I thought you were anti-dirty, not pro-dirty!
MORGAN I’m surrounded by neat freaks every day. There’s nothing kinkier to me than a filthy slob jock like you!
FRY (flattered) Oh, stop…
MORGAN (kisses him again and steps back) Now listen, you filthy pig, no one can know about us.
-------------------------
Morgan has just taken Bender’s brain out and sent it to the Central Bureaucracy:
FRY I’m sick of you and your bureaucracy! (shoves papers off Morgan’s desk)
MORGAN (suddenly looks thrilled) Dirty boy! Dirty boy!
(she jumps on Fry and there’s an off-screen crashing noise)
THE ONE WHERE Professor Farnsworth celebrates his 150th birthday, but realises that he's not going to be around much longer, so names a successor for himself – his newly-created clone, Cubert, who turns out to be a right obnoxious little
But when PX are in danger of losing the Professor to the Sunset Squad robots, who take him to the planet people live on in really really old age, they need Cubert's help.
DEFINITE CUTS BY CHANNEL 4 DEFINITE CUTS BY SKY ONE
------------------
For some reason C4 repeated Season 1's When Aliens Attack as episode 11 of Season 2.
------------------
The water has just been let out of Cubert’s tube and he’s been brought to life:
(PX stare in amazement)
CUBERT What, you’ve never seen a genius’s wiener before?
PX (all reply) No! / Never.
FRY Well, once in the park...
-----------------
Professor is showing an unimpressed Cubert his inventions:
PROFESSOR That’s my prize-winning Smelloscope. If a dog craps anywhere in the universe, you can bet I won’t be out of the loop!
-----------------
Later, when PX are watching the Professor’s goodbye message before he was taken away by the Sunset Squad robots:
PROFESSOR I’m sure Bender has just made a cunning remark, but he doesn’t know I taped over his soap operas to record this.
BENDER You bastard! [censored by C4 & Sky]
-----------------
The ship’s engine is broken, and only the Professor knows how to fix it:
BENDER (trying to shock Professor and wake him up)
Your social security cheque is late!
Stuff costs more than it used to!
Young people use curse words!
FRY Dammit! We’ll have to fix the engine ourselves!
LEELA We can’t, you bastard! No one knows how it works. It’s impossible!
[censored by C4 & Sky]
[Thanks to Peel member 'Chump' for telling me about that one]
Working at the restaurant, Bender meets the robot mafia, and since he's always wanted to be involved in organised crime, he joins!
DEFINITE CUTS
---------------
At the "Little Bitaly Street Fair":
BENDER Oh crap, the cops!
---------------
In the secret robot mafia base (in the freezer of a butcher shop):
ROBOT (pleading) Look into your hard drive, and open your mercy file!
DON-BOT (eyes narrow) File not found.
(The robot mafia goons, Clamps and Joey, start firing at the robot – first we see the robot from the front, as lots of bullet-holes appear in him, and this is about halved in length by C4, as is a view from behind him, with the goons visible through the holes, shortened in length. He falls backwards)
DON-BOT Let that be a warning to you.
ROBOT (gets up and puts his hat back on) Thank you, Don-Bot.
C4 showed us 2 seconds of gunfire, but not another 3 which were exactly the same. Odd.
-------------
Same scene – Joey is telling Bender about an upcoming cigar heist:
JOEY (GOON) Now, this score ain’t gonna be no kickwalk in the tea park, okay? There may be some death-killing.
The word ‘death-killing’ was censored, but for the rest of the episode they allowed the words ‘killing’ and ‘kill’.
-------------
Cartoon Network US, for reasons difficult to understand, cut:
PROFESSOR Sweet zombie Jesus!
from their post-10pm showings of this episode, despite having shown it uncut otherwise. Very strange, but having said that CN paid £6 million to buy the rights to Futurama and, by showing it, did a lot for the campaign to get it back on the air in America.
Of course it was a very trivial decision compared to what was going on at that moment, but they needed to choose an appropriate episode at a sensitive time – there couldn’t be many references to New York (apart from the fact that the show is set there), war, or anything else that might cause "offence".
The episode shown was a repeat of I, Roommate, which, although it involves the characters going outside of their own environments a lot, didn’t have any of the references mentioned above (although, at one point, Bender dreams about "killing all humans". Otherwise the episode was well-chosen). It's also an episode with more subtle, less laugh-out-loud humour ...here, this was almost an advantage.
On 11 September, C4 had been scheduled to show The Deep South and Mother's Day, but instead showed I, Roommate at 18.00 followed by an episode of Friends at 18.30.
------------------------
DEFINITE CUTS
For some reason, the caption at the start of the episode was replaced - and it wasn't offensive at all!
Original caption: 'As seen on TV'
C4 showed no caption (just 'Futurama').
The following Tuesday, 18 September, C4 again showed a repeat. Originally The Problem With Popplers and Anthology of Interest I had been scheduled to be the season finale, but instead weren't shown.
------------------------
NO CUTS NOTICED
------------------------
THE SERIES HAS ENDED
And so, Futurama season 2 on Channel 4 came to an end on 18.09.01 with four episodes still not shown. Given their extreme caution with regard to censorship, it was unsurprising that C4 would use the events in America as an excuse not to "risk" screening the four episodes.
But to wait MORE THAN SIX MONTHS was typical of their behaviour, and really demonstrated their shambolic handling of the series in general.
THE ONE WHERE A mix-up gives PX a license to fish, so they head to the exact centre of the Atlantic Ocean and spend a day competing to get the biggest catch. But a giant fish drags the ship underwater, and Fry sees a mermaid on the seabed. And, amazingly, she lived in the ancient lost city of Atlanta!
DEFINITE CUTS BY CHANNEL 4 DEFINITE CUTS BY SKY ONE
------------------
Hermes announces that he’s requisitioned a pet license for Nibbler:
LEELA Hermes, that’s sweet! I didn’t know you cared about Nibbler.
HERMES Dream on, woman! I’d like to put the little bastard in a sack, and toss the sack into a river and hurl the river into space! But I do like filling out requisitions…
C4 only changed the offending word (it sounded like "butt" on their version) but Sky cut the whole sentence.
------------------
PX are about to start a fishing contest in the exact centre of the Atlantic Ocean:
LEELA I’m afraid you’re both out of your league, boys, because you’re looking at a woman who owns her own harpoon!
BENDER Harpoon, my ass! Huhuhuh…
LEELA Okay! (throws harpoon at his ass)
It couldn't have been more obvious that they had cut that out!
------------------
BENDER Ah, screw this. (throws fishing rod into bin) If I’m not going to catch a fish, I might as well not catch a big fish…
------------------
Fry is alone with mermaid Umbrielle in her bedroom:
UMBRIELLE I want you to make a mer-woman out of mer-me! (jumps into bed)
FRY Mercy! I do believe I’m gettin’ the vapours!
(jumps into bed as well, they roll about for a few seconds)
UMBRIELLE …What the hell is that?!
FRY Yeah, I’m a little confused too. How do I… you know… with the tail and all…
UMBRIELLE I’m not your first am I? I mean, I lay my eggs then I leave, and you release your fertilizer.
(Horrified look on Fry’s face)
------------------
Cartoon Network US again cut:
PROFESSOR Sweet zombie Jesus!
from their post-10pm showings of this episode (see also episode 13, Bender Gets Made)
DEFINITE CUTS BY C4 DEFINITE CUTS BY SKY ONE
SCREEN MODIFIED BY C4
A lot was censored by Channel 4, and quite a bit by Sky too.
--------------------------
MOM Jerkwad robots make me sick to my ass! [To her son] Walt! How are we disposing of these crap gifts they bought me?
--------------------------
At Mom’s private get-together with her thousands of robots, she presses the 'rebel' button on her remote control:
MOM Conquer Earth, you bastards!
ROBOTS Conquer Earth, us bastards...
[Sky cut both of these lines; Channel 4 retained only Mom's words "conquer Earth"]
[Credit: 'Chump' again]
--------------------------
Mom explains to her three sons why she hates Mother’s Day so much:
MOM One Mother’s Day 70 years ago, the only man I ever loved walked out on me. Some say it made me a bitter woman.
SON 2 Gee, Ma, you’re not a bitter-
MOM Cram it, ape!!! (slaps him across the face)
Sky cut this innocuous line, but C4 didn’t.
--------------------------
Later, Leela comes up with a plan by which the Professor seduces Mom, gets her bra off and takes the remote control to call the marauding robots off:
WALT That’s so filthy it just might work!
SON 3 The man is going to touch Mommy? Uurgh!
PROFESSOR Oohhh! (shudders) The thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca rise in my gullet!
FRY Professor, please! The fate of the world depends on you getting to second base with Mom.
--------------------------
The Professor is at the door of Mom’s country retreat:
MOM It’s been a long time… you pus-dripping sack of double-smoked butt-jerky!
PROFESSOR (ignoring that) Uh-huh.
--------------------------
Seconds later – Mom is trying to slam the door but Professor’s foot is blocking it:
MOM Move your freaking hoof, you goat!
Oh my gosh; "freaking"! Disgraceful language there.
--------------------------
Mom lets the Professor in eventually, but another argument soon begins:
PROFESSOR Go to hell! I was a fool to think you’d changed, you old bat!
MOM Filthy toothless nerd bastard! [cut by Sky too]
PROFESSOR Damned she-fossil!
MOM Stink pig!!
(suddenly, they kiss passionately)
--------------------------
Channel 4 apparently didn’t want to show the implied nudity in the scene where Professor "gets to second base" with Mom.
In this scene (marked here in green) they zoom the image in on the Professor's face, not showing the part of the screen with the implied nudity:
The Professor is trying to remove Mom’s bra and get the remote:
PROFESSOR (thinking) Oh, I give up. Wait, victory!
(holds bra and remote in his hands - camera zooms out, to show Mom's back)
(thinking) Oh, my. Now I’ll just… the remote… I’ll just...
(speaking) Oh, my! (throws the bra away, and pushes Mom back onto the bed. We hear them comically "embracing" for a few seconds, but don’t see what’s going on)
-------------------
As the rebelling robots approach the house, PX and Mom’s sons go into the house and search for Mom and Professor:
(Fry goes into the bedroom)
FRY Nothing in here but a couple of elephant-skin rugs… (shocked gasp)
(Everyone rushes into the room, all shocked and appalled except for Zoidberg)
(The camera shot moves along the path of ripped-off clothes,
then zooms out and we see Professor and Mom lying naked on the bed)
PROFESSOR Oh yes…
(everyone is about to be shocked, but the ground shakes as robots approach)
-------------------
Here C4 omit the lower part of the screen, where the Professor’s chest is. But they let us see his bottom minutes later, which is somewhat inconsistent:
MOM I suppose I should switch off the robots before they ruin this wonderful romantic evening. Everyone, help Mom find her bra!
(a wide shot of Mom and Professor getting out of bed, and Fry, Leela and Hermes crawling around the floor searching)
(the next shot shows Professor edging by Son 3, who picks up a pair of underpants but whimpers and drops them when he realises they’re Mom’s)
(outside, we see the robots trying to break in)
-------------------
Mom has just put down the robot rebellion:
(Mom and Professor kiss again)
PROFESSOR I love you, Mom. Let’s grow ancient together.
AMY Way to go, Professor. The plan worked!
MOM Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry sex!
PROFESSOR Look, it started as a calculated plan to rummage through your underwear, but, once I got in there, I found more. Much more!...
(The picture zooms out to show Mom's back, but in the C4 version we only see Professor's face as he continues talking)
...And now I want to shout our love from the rooftops! Perhaps I’ll breed some sort of albino shouting gorilla--
MOM (outraged) Get out of my house you lying scumpile! I never want to see you again!
PROFESSOR But Dustcakes… (has remote thrown off his head) Ohh…
(Professor drops his cushion and walks across the room and out of the door)
DEFINITE CUTS (C4)
-----------------
PX are all tasting the new food:
HERMES Oh mon, I’m inhaling these things! You guys scored some primo stuff here!
According to C4’s Futurama censors, "inhaling" is a bad word whichever context it’s in!
-----------------
In the middle of the news programme when the aliens arrive on Earth:
(the ground starts shaking)
LINDA (NEWSREADER) We seem to be experiencing technical difficulties… (a girder falls from the roof) and crap like I’ve never seen! (screen goes fuzzy)
-----------------
Smelly Hippy has just informed the Omicronians that Leela has been replaced by an orang-utan:
BRANNIGAN (grabs hippy) You’d sacrifice a beautiful woman to save a moderately attractive ape? You must have been smoking some bad granola.
1. What if Bender was 500 ft tall and weighed 7 bn tons?
2. What if Leela was a little more impulsive?
3. What if Fry had never come to the future?
--------------------
DEFINITE CUTS BY CHANNEL 4 POSSIBLE CUTS
Thanks to Aslate on Peel for listing some cuts from this episode! All those cuts are marked in red. In the second segment, when Leela butchers practically all of PX, C4 have butchered the episode! It’s horribly ironic, I know.
--------------------
In the first segment, I don’t reckon the censors would have liked
BENDER Bite my colossal metal ass!
or his reference to nude beaches as he asks the what-if question. And there were a few objectionable bits: Bender’s ass-propulasion system, the 4,000 deaths at the Hanson concert and Zoidberg eating a guinea pig alive; but I don’t see how the story could have progressed without them.
--------------------
In the second fantasy segment, Professor has just told Leela that she’ll inherit his vast fortune after he dies. Seeing a chance to speed up the process, Leela kicks the Professor into his pit full of man-eating anteaters, which attack him:
PROFESSOR (in the pit, unseen)
Oh, you’ve killed me, you’ve killed me!
LEELA Oh my God, what have I done?
PROFESSOR I just told you, you’ve killed me!
(the anteaters finish with Professor, leaving just his skeleton, coat and glasses, which one anteater coughs up)
--------------------
When Hermes realises that Leela committed the murder, she kills him too! Meanwhile, "detective" Zoidberg looks for clues. Behind his back, Leela grabs the emergency axe and goes back to Hermes in the other room:
HERMES (off-screen) What are you hacking off?! Is it my torso? It is!! My precious torso!!!
[overdubbed with silence, to make the next line pointless]
ZOIDBERG (shouting to other room) Hermes, quiet! I’m deducing things!
--------------------
Later, Zoidberg gathers the remaining characters (Fry, Leela, Scruffy, Cubert and Nibbler) together to gradually solve the mystery. But whenever anyone is on the verge of naming her, Leela switches off the lights and kills them – Scruffy, Cubert, Nibbler and Zoidberg all die this way [and I don’t know how they could show someone with a spear through their heart on a "kids’" show].
--------------------
Afterwards, Fry (eventually) works out that Leela did it. And to make sure Fry won’t talk, Leela seduces him.
LEELA So Fry, what do you think of the impulsive new me?
FRY I like it!
LEELA Good. Now let me just get the lights… (switches them off)
FRY Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!! … … I really like it!
But the censors didn't.